One thought away...

I love the fact that God always uses the smallest things to grab my attention and teach me something new - when I actually open my ears and expect to hear from Him.

Tonight I was sitting on the bleachers in the Kensington gym during Rosedale youth group, wedged in between a 3-year-old boy bundled up in a big coat, sucking away at his thumb and cuddling close, and a 6-year-old girl who was intent on braiding my hair and making my earrings jingle. Pastor Matt was teaching, and of all the things he said, one sentence stuck out to me - We are all one thought away from returning to sin.

I think that struck me because I am becoming more and more aware of my own spiritual fragility - the fact that I am easily capable of sin I profess to abhor and hate and avoid. I know that I still cling to many attitudes and habits, especially in how I view and treat people, that is totally anti-God. And those habits are there because I don't guard my thoughts, realizing that every thought that I don't take captive to Christ will lead me away from Him - and every thought I turn towards Him will be cloaked in His glory. It's that old maxim - thoughts become attitudes, attitudes become habits, habits become lifestyles - or something like that order. It's the small steps, the tiny shuffles that may be almost imperceptible, that truly determine the direction of my life. And one by one, they build on each other - to what end?

I don't think however, that the knowledge of my own bent towards sinfulness should paralyze me and keep me from doing or thinking anything. On the contrary, I should run to Christ and cling to His cross, knowing it's the only thing that saves me and frees me. I have freedom in Christ, freedom to follow God and not be locked into a lifestyle of earning His favor, or being incapable of freedom from sin. But that freedom has to be inseparable from my knowledge of my complete, utter dependence on Christ for maintaining that freedom. What a paradox - what a Savior.

Lord, you are truly the only One who saves me.

Grace.

I am officially a pathetic blogger. I haven't posted in nearly 3 weeks. I could blame it on the holidays, on being busy, spending my time on better things like family and salsa dancing, working and Scrabble games...or perhaps because I had a sudden existential crisis where I thought that my life really wasn't interesting enough to write about in a blog.

But - it really doesn't matter if this is interesting to anyone else, because blog writing is a purely self-serving activity. Keep a public journal; expose yourself to strangers; or even create an alter ego that no one would recognize as Whitney Carolyn Klaassen. (I don't think I'm capable of carrying that one off...)

Recent thoughts:

The presence of Grace.

Not my extremely bright, precocious 10-year-old sister, but that constant feeling at work and at home that I am being followed quite closely by the Grace of God. Finding myself reacting in ways that are definitely not Whitney; choosing to bite my tongue and smile when I want to smack a rude, foul-mouthed, abusive parent across the face; choosing to change a dirty diaper when I really don't have to because ER nurses really don't do that (we care more about keeping the child breathing and awake); choosing not to complain to security about parking off site when everyone else seems to make that their favorite activity of the week.

It's almost like I'm watching a movie, and thinking, really, really? Did I just say that? Because that is not how Whitney usually reacts to annoyances. And then I realize - it was Grace speaking through me - Grace totally undeserved, unmerited, given as a beautiful free gift that I am very likely to dirty with the selfish bent of my own heart. I don't react that way on my own. It is the Grace of God choosing to speak and act through me, and I step back and say, Okay, Lord, you handle this one, because I can't do it on my own. And miraculously, graciously, he does.

2 Corinthians 9:8 (New International Version)
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Unfortunately, I don't always allow Grace to move through me. Those times that I see Grace working are few and far between, but experiencing those moments creates in me a longing to see more of them, because it is evidence that Christ is truly living in me and working through me. Not that, wow, I'm such an incredibly nice person (the monologue in my head is certainly not nice sometimes) or that I can "live above" my natural reactions. No, the amazing thing is that God is still in the business of redeeming broken, sinful lives, lives that really, in the long run, in earthly eyes, don't amount to a hill of beans. But God (thankfully) doesn't rate us according to our earthly value. He uses an entirely different scale - one that I certainly don't understand yet.

So! life goes on. I am trying to go to Zambia this May, but I keep feeling resistance - I can't tell yet which Direction it's coming from, but hopefully will be able to see soon. If all else fails, I have 88,000+ frequent flier miles and I'm sure I can find someway to use them, even if only in the USA!

And I'm on day shift!!!!!!! I love it so much. The day flies by and I get to sleep normally during the day. But of course I miss all my night shift crew (What up?!?!?! Mama C! Betsy! Michelle! Dagan! Christina! Et al!)

Oh dear, it's getting crazy..........